Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love

"Facing Love Addiction" expresses what is essentially a fairly straightforward idea and does so in similarly uncomplicated language that is easy to grasp. You will not get lost in the psychology and there are plenty of recapitulations and helpful re-phrasings to avoid confusion. Saying this, the implications of the basic psychological model being proposed are huge. Reading this book can offer explanation for the intensity of fear and pain you experience in relationships, make the fear and pain conscious rather than unconscious so that recovery can begin, and also present a new, healthier way of relating to people that you can begin to implement. It's a journey of extreme self-discovery that takes a lot of work and you WILL need a lot of extra therapeutic support. But working through the recovery process and breaking the destructive patterns with those with whom you are in relationship (especially yourself!) provides a feeling of self-sufficiency and worth that helps allay fears in *all* areas of your life.So, the basic premise:Pia Mellody's model of love addiction illustrates two people: the love addict and the love avoidant. The love addict has a conscious fear of being abandoned and an unconscious fear of intimacy. Conversely, the love avoidant's conscious fear is of intimacy and their unconscious fear of being abandoned. The love addict wants to feel "close and connected" to their partner and initially are drawn inexorably towards the love avoidant. (Note that although the love avoidant's label might make them sound weedy, submissive wimps their fear of intimacy is masked by a "wall of seduction"- in other words they usually seem inticingly strong, sexy and charismatic individuals who positively invite a relationship in the beginning). The love avoidant sees what they believe to be the perfect person to meet their needs for intimacy, self-esteem and connection and jump right in. After a while, however the love avoidant's fear of intimacy (being overwhelmed/controlled/engulfed) kicks in, and to protect themselves they create a distance between themselves and the love addict. This can be achieved through an emotional not-there-ness or through busying themselves with addictions or activities outside the realtionship. As soon as they create distance, the love addict panics: they're not feeling close any more- they're being abandoned! To get close again they'll pretty much do anything; using sex or even changing their entire identity to appeal more to the love avoidant. These desperate attempts just send the love avoidant further away and eventually the love addict shows signs of being unable to cope with it and leaving. At this point, the love avoidant's unconscious fear of being abandoned arises and all of a sudden they start showing the love addict attention again to get them back. The love addict breathes a sigh of relief and then the whole cycle starts again...The structure of the book is as follows:Part I explains the connection between codependence and love addiction, the cycles of the love addict and avoidant and their interactions together (what a co-addicted relationship looks like).Part II outlines the recovery process and addresses questions of bringing relationships to an end or putting them on hold, withdrawal symptoms and re-entering a relationship.Part III provides illustration of what healthy relationships look like (neither addicts nor avoidants have never truly learned or experienced real intimacy)Part IV has practical exercises to support the recovery process (a working knowledge of 12 Step Programmes and having a sponsor is *especially* helpful here).In conclusion, a few notes:*Knowledge and particularly experience of 12 step Programmes (particularly CoDA, Co Dependents Anonymous) is helpful when reading this book. Fairly early on the author makes reference to such programs of recovery and uses the term 'Higher Power' when describing the way in which the love addict puts the avoidant on a pedestal. Her whole approach to finding recovery is based on the 12 Steps too, and working through her suggestions for journalling or writing a Step 1 would be infinitely more thorough when shared with the experiences of others in the fellowship rather than just a therapist.* Building upon that point, recovery is going to be more robustly 'completed' when as many resources as possible are accessed. Working through extreme fears of abandonment and going through the withdrawal is all but impossible on your own.* Finally, two books that I found great (as a love addict) to read alongside this one was "Women Who Love Too Much: when you keep wishing and hoping he'll change" by Robin Norwood and "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J Elliot.

OK so my therapist advised me to get this book and read it, she did this about 5-6 weeks ago and she asked me about it the other day and I lied and said that I had ordered it but it was taking a while to arrive, I feel like a bit of poo for doing that now!!!! Not only am I glad she recommended it but I am glad I actually took that big step to purchase this book. It is not often that I find myself saying that this was worth the money (as I am always searching for a bargain) but this was defiantely worth the money and TOTALLY WANT YOU TO INVEST IN IT TOO!!Ok so about the read itself...I am writing this review early because I have never read a book (apart from The Easy Way to Stop Smoking) that took immediate effect and EVERYTHING in it and I mean EVERYTHING in it resonated so profoundly with me in one full blow.....I received the book yesterday (which was 29th November) and ordered on the 23rd November with no intention of really paying it any proper mind but I opened the book up at work which is where I had it delivered to and started reading chapter one and I am now on chapter 13 - Healthy Relationships...Bear in mind the book arrived at lets say 12noon and I went home at 5:30pm and cooked dinner for my son and I, and other household chores and still managed to get to Chapter 13. I am amazed at how engrossed I have become with reading this book and almost feel like there is a brainwashing being undone as I am reading the book and I feel empowered by it.WHAT A BRILLIANT INVESTMENT - I will be buying this book for all my sisters (I have 3)...I HOPE THEY READ IT, FOR THEIR SAKE, NOT MINE!

The model "love addict - love avoidant" is explained very well with simple words. Pia shows how each of the partners provokes the other one to be even more exessive in his/her behavior.The characteristics of love avoidant are very clearly defined, as well as the reasons stemming from childhood and enmeshment by the the mother. Now I can see this clearly in 2 close people around me, as with one of them we discussed the chapter and he was quite surprised to see it written down. Quite an insight!Well, the part I found a bit exaggerated was the reference to a kind of "sickness" of this condition but probably it is for better illustration of the dynamics rather than anything else. But it really scared me the first days I thought about this until I realised that even discfunctional, these dynamics are very common.Love avoidants can benefit a lot from this book but I guess they are rather "busy" to read this type of books.

I should have read this 15 years ago, would have saved me a lot of heartache. It's like a cloud has been lifted the fantasies and illusions I've been carrying around have burst.

Book content is great but there are grammatical errors and page 31 has been replaced with page 50. Seems like these are the misprints?

Good quality, responsive seller

If you want to break your love addiction/avoidant cycle this is the book that will help you understand howIf you have had repeated problems in relationships this book digs deep to the core of the unhealthy dynamics

The author is experienced and trustworthy as her analysis is based on real-life examples. But that's about all. This book tells like it is.Downside: the Audible voice is cold and unsympathetic - gives the impression of being a critical inner voice of the parent. Info maybe good - but the voice style I find repulsive. Please consider changing the male voice to a female voice.I can't recommend.

Excelente leitura! Linguagem muito didática e acessível. Adorei! Recomendo

This book is saving my relationship. I can feel it working. The hardest thing to do is hold a partner in postive regard when you feel they are distancing from you. But I realized that was the key to detaching from him with love. I see things in Black and White. I thought it was Borderline personality disorder but I see I'm just a love addict and possibly bipolar. This book is teaching me how to love myself and care for myself. It deals with codependence which I wasn't aware that I had. It all ties in together and is helping me love this man who triggers my fear of abandonment. When he distances, I chase him and it feels like neglect. But really the avoidant just feels like I'm needy. I understand now why he feels superior and sees me as weak. Thanks to Pia Melody, I feel empowered and I can detach with love. I can hold that gray area and it's taking daily journaling. I'm also going to a Shaman. I am in therapy weeks and use DBT skills to cope with the silence when we're not being intense. It's a process for sure. But this book hit me at the core where my addiction truly lays. He's just not that important and when I realized that I was able to take him off the pedastal and put him where he belongs, and in doing so I can love him better for who he truly is. This is my story and I put it out there in hopes that it helps someone relate and pick up this book, read it and do the work. I feel free from two decades of love addiction. It's good to go to SLAA meetings too. There are phone meetings. I wouldn't have invested my heart with this man if I didn't love him. And beyond addiction, the love is there between us. I just hope it can survive without the intensity of our interaction. I believe it will. I'm scared, but I have confidence now. If you get healthy with this book, and surely you will if you do the work, and your partner leaves you it's because they are addicted to intensity. That's on them. You may get healthy and find a healthier relationship. Either way you win if you do the work and keep the focus on you. This book is truly empowering, finally someone understands the love addict. Pia gives the compassion, understanding and resources for us to change the way we love. I am humbled for the first time, and confident in myself- beyond addiction and the low self-esteem and all the shame I felt inside all these years that were unecessary, all due to trauma. Take your time with this book. Do the work, the journaling, go to meetings, therapy and believe in yourself. I think confidence is the most important part. If I can do this at 39 years old after messing up a handful of long term, dysfunctional relationships, you can do it. There's another book that can help with the withdrawel process without having to use anti-depressants, the Art of Living by Thich Nhat Hahn.

Ich habe ein Buch bestellt und es hat in der Tat ziemlich lange gedauert, bis es angekommen ist. Trotzdem war ich sehr glücklich, als es angekommen ist! Beim lesen habe ich festgestellt, dass eine Seite komplett fehlt. Ich habe mich beschwert und sofort eine Antwort erhalten, mit der Mitteilung, dass sie auf eigene Kosten das Buch nochmal verschicken. Ich finde, besser geht es gar nicht!Vielen herzlichen Dank für all Ihre Bemühungen!!!

Muy buen contenido e información

Anyone facing a love addiction will gain great insight into themselves and their partners. It was like I was reading my own story and I finally understood why I...and my partners act the way I do. Thank you so very much Pia Mellody for helping shine some light on this addiction!!!