A Matter of Death and Life: Love, Loss and What Matters in the End

This is a moving account of the process of losing your life partner - no holds barred. Yalom - as always - writes simply and elegantly, and in many cases movingly.So - why only three starts? Well, partly, I think to counter some of the hagiographic reviews left by others who seem to be Yalom ‘disciples’; and partly because this is just one in the ever-expanding canon of grief literature. Many, many people have written about the almost indescribably pain of losing their husband, wife, son, daughter, partner... and Yalom’s account is no better, or worse, than these. Joan Didion’s ‘Year of Magical Thinking’, Joyce Carol Oates’ ‘A Widow’s Story’, Juliet Rose field’s ‘A State of Disbelief’ - all cover very similar ground; each a unique and honest account of the agony of bereavement.Some of the reviews here seem to imply that Yalom breaks new ground in his account of grief. He does not. He simply describes his own unique experience - which is no more and no less valid than anyone else’s.Perhaps the take-away message from this book is: therapists are not immune from what their clients experience. No matter how familiar one is with the territory of grief, until one has experienced the loss of one’s closest love - one simply has no real idea of what the pain and anger and despair are truly like. Yalom makes frequent reference to a notion that ‘most bereaved people’ move on after one or two years. This, to me, seems a deeply unhelpful belief. There is, in fact, no time limit on grief; no point by which one ‘should’ be ‘over’ it. And any concept that there is may actually be counterproductive in the mourning process.So - uncharitable I may seem, but I merely wanted to signal that this book is an account of one man’s grief. And there are many such books. Each with their own and unique perspective - each with something to share - but none which can provide any immunity from the sharp, desperate pain of grief.

I’ve been a long time fan of Irvin. Over 20 years ago, I read Loves Executioner. I have read pretty much all of his books since. I feel like I have got to “know” him somewhat. I feel, through his writing, he has guided me to a really significant degree in my development as a therapist. I must also acknowledge my incredible supervisor, Paddy also.This book is really touching, full of humanity. I have been deeply saddened reading it. I must say I am not finished yet and feel reluctant in some ways to hear of Marilyn’s passing. To read Irvin recognising it was time to retire was so very poignant. Pg 98 was wonderful to read as it illuminated so much of Irvin’s grace and kindness as a therapist. I am reminded of his autobiography when he talks about engaging with one of his first clients from a relational frame or reference and had to present his summary to the psychoanalytic society. honest and kind.....another wonderful readThis book is a gift, a true treasure.

One of the best books I have read in a long time inspirational thought provoking and a love touching story of a married coupleRecommend for counsellors and people interested in end of life

Bought this for my wife, she began reading it 4 days before her grandmother passed. It was a huge comfort to her. The end of the book speaks to the wounded healer and is exceptionally crafted by a gifted individual. I'm mindful of not wanting to share details and spoil others chance to enjoy every word.To Irvin Yalom, thank you for sharing so much of yourself, I hope you are well.

A book everyone must read...full of wisdom and deep understanding about life ..