The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Revised and Updated: Surviving Through and Recovering from the Five Stages That Accompany the Loss of Love

If you've had any kind of abandonment or loss of a relationship, this book is really important to read. It explains the feeling experiences of abandonment trauma, along with the neurological and biochemical processes of the abandonment experience: this is important to understand, for your own experience, or in trying to understand someone else who can't seem to get over the pain of a lost relationship. You're not crazy; your brain is responding as it was designed to do. It explains the stages of abandonment trauma, with wonderful examples from clients and workshop participants, and gives truly useful exercises for healing. This book is not shaming or critical, doesn't use facile labels like "love addict," and presents the material in an engaging and well-organized way. There's also a workbook, but I haven't started on it yet. I got this for myself, and I love it. I'm a psychotherapist, and have also recommended it to a few clients, all of whom report that it's helped them as well. I'm told that another book by the same author, Outer Child, is also great, and a helpful companion to this one.

Akeru "means 'to pierce, to open, to end, to make a hole in, to start, to expire, to unwrap, to turn over.' When someone leaves, akeru refers to the empty space that is created, the opening in which a new beginning can take place... to begin and to end are the same-part of one never-ending cycle of renewal and healing." Anderson's book goes through what she calls the Five Stages of Abandonment; these are Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting (SWIRL). In each chapter Anderson gives extensive background on how each stage works, comes from, etc. And at the end of each chapter is an exercise tailored to the stage that is meant to help grow from it. Towards the end of the book is an "Action Plan" that encourages one to get out there! Personally, I find the exercises to be almost of breath of fresh air for me. Although not difficult by any measure, they force one to use the moment as a starting point to heal. To not be stuck or stunted. To heal and grow. Is the process easy, no. Is the process not painful, ha. But there is a way to use one's abandonment as a starting point of becoming a better version of ourselves and to expand our capacity for love. Something to be aware is that each chapter about the stages are chunky so be prepared for a read. Also some reviews mention that this is a book for divorcees; I think this book can apply to anyone who has gone through abandonment. I've never been divorced and yet in some parts of this books it was like reading the exact thought process that has gone through my mind before. Overall, I think a good read. P.S. Another book that has helped me come to terms with my issues is Codependency For Dummies by Darlene Lancer. This book is more for those with extreme low self-esteem.

No other book has changed my life the way this one did. After a bad breakup a few years ago, I couldn't figure out WHY I couldn't move on and why it had affected me so much. Not only does this book normalize those feelings (which therapists had shamed me for in the past. "Just move on, etc."), it also includes small bits of scientific explanation of why your body and brain respond the way they do to a loss/abandonment. Also includes excerpts from real people who have gone through abandonment, and it makes you realize your experience isn't singular, it's a universal, human experience. Then she goes even further and gives you multiple things you can do on a daily basis to heal and come out on the other side even stronger. She does all of this using a very simple, easy to understand way of writing. Highly, highly recommend.

This book provided many 'a-ha' moments for me! It was eye opening and helped me realize many characteristics or coping mechanisms within myself that I never previously noticed. I wouldn't go so far as to say it immediately changed my life, but it certainly opened eyes and gave me some direction. I will certainly refer to it and reread sections in the future.

This book is great. It gets to the root of the problem. I got the audiobook and the kindle book and alternated between the two. Some things were easier to digest when hearing someone explain it (like big you/little you). Others I needed to read. But this was personally what I wanted. I was really determined to try the therapy, and it really does work. I find myself identifying certain behaviors and stopping them before they spiral out of control, for ex, because I know know what they are, I have a name for them and I know what’s going on in my brain. Also, when I’m going through a particularly difficult moment in my grief, I am able to identify which stage I’m at, and I jump to the exercise from that stage bc I know it’ll benefit me the most at that point. It has been truly helpful. I also have all of the companions to this book susan anderson wrote through the years and I would recommend it.

This book has been nothing but transformative, best book I have read and highly recommend to anyone going through abandonment.

I have only read the first chapter, and it is jampacked with incredible knowledge surrounding abandonment, and the effects that has on your body, and how to find healing and cope. I’m not a big reader, but I can’t wait to finish this and I’m thankful I bought it.

For me the first book who really acknowledge the strong feelings after abandonment, after reading many books, I recognize a lot even the symptoms of trauma. The Akeru is helpful and powerful. I am not native English, sometimes it hard ro read because there not always used ordinary terms.

Amazing, insightful and feels like months worth of intense therapy in one read! I actually cried a couple of times reading this as it really does dig deep and and the exercises are amazing, I think you need to make sure you keep doing them and keep revisiting the book to make this effective which i am doing! Honestly the most effective and helpful book I think I’ve read! I feel like I fully understand myself and my bad relationship patterns that keep repeating over and over! I wish I found this years ago after my first heartbreak it would have saved me so much further hurt and wasted time!!!

I've struggled with abandonment issues my whole life and I although I read this book years ago and resonated with it, I didn't understand the importance of integrating the exercises to actually cause change. Now that I am older and have learned more life lessons, I re-purchased this expanded version and have seen some serious change/growth/healing. It really made me understand what has been going on (ex. SWIRL, abandonment grief) and the exercises have given me SUCH relief, honestly. If you "overreact" and carry a fear of abandonment around, this book is for you but do yourself a favor and promise to actually DO the exercises. I found the workbook extremely helpful as well to integrate the knowledge into real life change. Light & love to you all x

Dopo aver letto tanti libri sui problemi nelle relazioni, focalizzati prevalentemente sui tratti narcisistici di partner problematici, finalmente ho scoperto questo libro che non si preoccupa minimamente di spiegare le cause dell'abbandono, ma analizza in profondità quali sono i sentimenti, gli stati d'animo e le sensazioni di coloro che vengono abbandonati. Il lettore rivive con maggiore consapevolezza tutte le fasi del lutto che segue ogni abbandono e riesce a capire con maggiore lucidità i sentimenti che lui stesso ha provato nelle diverse fasi che seguono il distacco. L'empatia con cui viene descritta ognuna delle cinque fasi dell'elaborazione del lutto porta il lettore ad una più profonda accettazione dei propri sentimenti e la partecipazione autentica dell'autrice dona quasi un senso di sollievo al lettore che si sente compreso e non vede condannati alcuni suoi sentimenti negativi dal quale suo malgrado non riesce a liberarsi. Per ogni fase del lutto viene proposta un'attività che, oltre a facilitare la guarigione, dovrebbe regalare speranza ed entusiasmo per intraprendere il cammino di evoluzione spirituale ed emotiva che dovrebbe portare il lettore ad una più alta consapevolezza di sé e quindi ad un livello maggiore di realizzazione del proprio sé più autentico. Questa evoluzione sarebbe un risvolto positivo dell'abbandono che, se correttamente elaborato, potrebbe venir considerato come un'opportunità di crescita personale. Ciò che mi ha colpito particolarmente è la sensibilità con cui l'autrice sottolinea il modo profondamente diverso con cui il contesto sociale tratta coloro che perdono un congiunto per un lutto e coloro che invece vengono abbandonati, magari dopo molti anni di matrimonio o convivenza. Per questi ultimi non esiste un momento di riconoscimento pubblico del loro dolore, quale può essere il momento del funerale per un vedovo/a, e spesso il contesto sociale si ritrae da situazioni di dissidio familiare, mentre nel caso della vedovanza l'appoggio morale e materiale è inscritto nei codici morali delle società da millenni, tanto è vero che la condizione di vedovo/a nella storia è sempre stata soggetta a particolari norme di comportamento e veniva resa ben visibile a tutti da un particolare tipo di abbigliamento. Non so quanto conforto possa dare un libro nei primi tempi successivi all'abbandono, quando il dolore e lo sconcerto sono ancora troppo forti, ma per chi è determinato a superare lo sconvolgimento che l'abbandono ha portato nella sua vita emotiva e magari dopo anni non c'è ancora riuscito questo libro può essere un aiuto.

I haven't started the work yet as I am reading another book but I looked through this and am very excited to start the work.