Counting the Cost

As a casual watcher of the Duggars it seemed there was always something beneath the veneer of positivity. When Jill and Derick broke away from the family and were seemingly ostracized despite her being a victim of abuse at the hands of a family member who- by all accounts- seemed to be welcome among the family, it seemed ever the more strange. In this book you get a deep insight into the innermost thoughts and emotions of a daughter initially desperate to please her parents and maintain the family image who suddenly realizes the family has little regard for her as an individual. The abuse she suffered as a child is unfortunately- according to the book- compounded by emotional and mental abuse at the hands of her father. Bent on garnering more fame and more money at the expense of his children, her father put her in an un-winnable situation. Rejoin the family fold and hold her tongue or speak the truth and be ostracized within the family and portrayed as a money-hungry misfit. I don’t typically use the term gaslighting, but the father fits the definition to a tee as described in this book. Jill had the bravery to endure what few do- to choose the difficult path and expose the frankly disgusting practices of the family and the network in terms of invasion of privacy, fair compensation for work, and much more. Despite losing contact with most of her formerly tight-knit family, Jill chose to (according to her) stand on the truth and face the consequences that would bring her relationship with her family. Jill and Derick did an excellent job writing this book. It is very clear and captures every detail relevant to their situation in stunning emotion. After reading it is difficult not to feel empathy for them financially, mentally, and spiritually. Well worth the read!

This may not have been the book many people hoped or feared, but I strongly feel it’s the book Jill needed to write for herself. Jill, Derick, and Craig did a beautiful job crafting a story that’s compassionate to all the major players involved, even those most people would agree don’t necessarily deserve that compassion. Josh’s crimes and the release of police reports is covered, but done so in a way that respects the privacy of her siblings, their families, and Jill herself - an effort I was very grateful to see as Jill and the other victims already suffered so much. The book is polished and well written, but still retains enough of Jill’s voice to feel authentically her. There were things that were glossed over or omitted (such as her husband’s Transphobic Twitter remarks, which I would have liked to see him take responsibility for), but I understand this wasn’t the book to cover those events as the overall narrative has more to do with how money, fame, and power can ruin people and families. All in all, this was a great read and Jill should feel proud of herself for putting in the hard work therapy requires to start to heal and get to a place where she could write this book.

Jill Duggar writes in the afterward that this book was NOT about trying to shame her family. I’m impressed with the balance she’s found here, because in between the stories of manipulation and lack of privacy and trauma, she makes sure to mention many, many times how much she loves her family, how happy she was as a child, and how grateful she is for all of the GOOD things that came out of being a “TV family”. Yes, you can see hints of the fear that would be used as a lever more and more, the deep-seated desire to have everyone’s approval, the almost constant reminders that women had to be chaste and conservatively dressed and not do anything to tempt men to behave badly. But she also has so many good memories of growing up, and she was quite proud of the idea that the Duggar’s TV appearance were showing millions of people how to live a good Christian life. The pressure of having every single significant moment of her life filmed by and for strangers (most especially her courtship and marriage) built up so gradually that she couldn’t allow herself to believe how exhausting all of it was. It’s amazing how a family that lived so much in the public eye was able to keep so many secrets. Jill doesn’t go into a lot of detail about her brother Josh’s crimes, for good reason. The initial acts were horrible, but having the whole world know about them was even worse. To me it looks like the way it was dealt with was what caused so much of Jill’s trauma. She was terrified when talking with the authorities as a child, because she thought anything she said might mean being taken away from her family forever and it would all be her fault. Having the report illegally released to the public (by InTouch, Bauer, Kathy O’Kelley, Ernest Cate, the city of Springdale, the Washington County Sheriff’s Office and Rick Hoyte – Jill makes sure to list out the responsible people at every opportunity, and now I will too) victimized her all over again, and then feeling the pressure to stand up and DEFEND her brother in an interview made her physically ill. The rage that she eventually feels about all of this is entirely justified; It seems like every time her life reached some kind of equilibrium, Josh would do ONE MORE THING to be called out, or sent away to be “cured”, or arrested. And it was always up to the victims, his own sisters, to “protect” the family. When Jill reports of tearfully telling her father that he treats her worse than he treats her “pedophile brother”, it’s hard to argue with that. Jill still loves her father, but the book shows how she’s had to realize how harmful his version of Christianity has been to her, how much he used her for their family’s success, and how much he’s berated and guilt-tripped her into doing what he thinks is best. The most surprising part of this book to me was the fact that it was Jill’s father who arranged for her to meet Derek - with the eventual plan of having her safely married off - only for Derek to see what was happening to his wife and be the person brave enough to stand up and say “NONE OF THIS IS OKAY.” Jill’s love for Derek comes shining through on every page, even when his and her resistance makes her father more angry and threatening and manipulative. Jill and Derek are trying to live their lives and help others, and they’re constantly butting heads with a man who does things like sabotage their attempts to join a mission because he won’t release Jill from her TV contract, most likely because to do that will mean admitting that he tricked Jill into signing a contract in the first place, or that he’s been lying about how much his children have been paid, and how much they SHOULD have been paid for putting their lives on TV. The conflicts are nail-biting, and the run-ins with paparazzi and Jill’s almost-fatal pregnancy are harrowing, but I still honestly enjoyed the book as a whole. It’s a super fast read that doesn’t wallow in misery or try to paint everything in pastel colors. I hope writing this was therapeutic for Jill, a way to get straight in her head what was done to her, what she did end up getting out of it, and the fact that she actually DESERVES to be happy even if she’s not following the brand of Christianity her family has been pushing. I also hope that other people who have gone through a similar brand of cult/family dynamics will get something out of this as well.

I found myself relating to a lot of Jill's struggles with her family, her need to live abroad and her fertility fears. A beautiful book that got me back into reading for the first time in a year. (I finished it in two days!)

I enjoyed reading this book, it’s nicely written and although I knew a lot that was already in it, it was nice to hear from Jill’s perspective and learn her thoughts and feelings dealing with the problems she faced. I don’t agree with some of Jill and Derek’s views but in all I think they are good people and their hearts are in the right place. Hopefully they continue to heal and grow and become acceptant to all walks of life.

Excelente lectura. Es su historia por lo que tiene derecho a contarla como ella quiera. Lo cual hizo con una perspectiva ecuánime. Yo crecí en esa mismo programa, y si algo te sorprende, la realidad es que se queda corta. Más de 25mil jóvenes crecimos así entre los años 1990-2005. Thank you Jill for writing your story ex-Ati here too

I really enjoyed the book, well written, I couldn't put it down. It came from a place of love, family dynamics are at time hard and dealing with issues is a process. I could relate so much with Jill and Derrick. I learned a lot about the family's dynamic. I highly recommend this book.

I have always found the Duggar family interesting, and have watched a few episodes of 19 Kids and Counting on YouTube, and I did wonder if behind the scenes were they as happy as they seemed? Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar attended a meeting of the Institute in Basic Life Principals and listen to the preacher Reverend Bill Gothard and his ideas. The gathering was full of ‘Model Families’ parents with lots of children, dressed identically and were all well behaved. Jill felt like she belonged, she no longer felt like the Duggar’s were strange, they fitted in and she had no idea it would change the direction of life and her relationship with her siblings and parents. Jill Duggar and her husband Derick Dillard are ready to share their personal experiences of being on the show, how the manipulation started just prior to their wedding and Jill didn’t understand why she had to sign paperwork and what it was for? Jill was the second eldest daughter, for the age of eight she had a baby on her hip, helped out with the cooking, wore dresses and was home-schooled. The bible taught her the man was the head of the household, he made the decisions and his wife and children did what he said and even when they were adults. Derick grew up in a Christian home, but it wasn’t as strict as Jill’s, he attended a public school, went to college and travelled to El Salvador to work as a missionary and he knew what it was like to live in the real world and Jill didn't. Derick was doing his own tax return and he asked who filed hers, she explained that her father did her taxes and he asked Jill about how much money did she make when she was in the television show for over ten years and why she didn’t have any savings? When Derick asked Jim Bob and Michelle about this, it didn’t go well and they were extremely vague about how much money they were paid for each episode, including the telecast of Jill and Derick’s wedding and magazine shoot for the birth of their first child. Jill started to look at her childhood and being on TV from a different perspective, she was never asked if she wanted to participate, the Big House would be full production and camera crews, and when it started a twelve year old Jill felt uncomfortable being filmed and that feeling never went away. Through the support of Derick and lots of tears, therapy and struggling with her mental health, and constantly questioning her choice to rock the boat, and no longer being the sweet and obedient daughter. Jill meets Christian women who wear pants, have piercings and even tattoos all the things her parents said were ungodly and a sinful and the sky didn't fall down. Five stars from me, I enjoyed Counting the Cost by Jill Duggar and don't feel the book was written out of spite. Jill loves her parents and siblings and still keeps in contact with them and except for one of her brothers. It's Jill Duggar's personal story, she no longer wants to be on television and controlled by her parents and she now lives a normal life with her husband and three children.