Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce

I rarely read other reviews before writing my own, but in this case I was curious to see if earlier readers had expressed outrage at the author's premise. Response from readers to date appeared rather sympathetic to Ms. Marquandt, which suggested to me that this work may be reaching more childhood survivors of divorce than the perpetrators. I do wonder if the author is pleased with this apparent outcome, since her concluding remarks seem more directed toward adults in the contemplative stages of a divorce; the editing of the book does not necessarily serve that purpose.I was surprised that a work of this nature was funded and promoted in the first place. Although ethical therapists have known of the psychological damage of divorce for years, who wanted to "make half of America feel guilty?" [particularly when many of those "guilty" are therapists themselves.] Apparently, the psychological abuse of divorced children just could not be ignored any longer. "Between Two Worlds" draws its intellectual meat from a study funded by the Lilly Foundation in 2001 and conducted by the Institute for American Values, for which the author serves as an affiliate scholar. Approximately 1500 adults participated in the written study, with the author interviewing about 70 participants for the narrative of the work. The statistical results of the study are presented in detail at the book's conclusion. The subjects were selected from a carefully defined cohort: at some point in their childhood the subjects' parents had divorced, and in their own subsequent adult lives the subjects had attained some measure of success, such as graduating from college or distinguishing themselves in business or the arts.The purpose of selecting this particular type of subject was to determine if divorce had left scars on the highest functioning cohort of its victims. I suspect the underlying premise was to discredit the current misconception that there is such a thing as a "good divorce scenario" for minor victims of marital break-up. Certainly none of the interviewed subjects had much good to say about their lives as divorce victims. Just from the aspect of practicality, children of divorce are inevitably exposed to years of gross intrusion into their humble efforts to craft an existence of their own. Imagine, as an adult, if every Friday you had to pack an overnight bag, leave your neighborhood and "your stuff" behind, and spend your long awaited weekend from work in a new, strange surrounding where, more often than not, no one knows quite what to do with you. Maybe not a sin that cries to heaven for vengeance, but I wouldn't want to take the chance.The practical hell of divorced living for minors eventually subsides as children grow into college years. But what about psychological scarring? Here is where the author does her best work, looking at the perceptual balancing act that even the youngest children must learn in their tender years: how do I please both mom and dad? Marquandt argues accurately that children of divorce are denied the witness of adult accommodation and reconciliation. And worse, they sense that in the ping pong existence of visitations, they must exercise caution in each locale, aware that a slip of the tongue or an inadvertent disclosure is going to have major impact upon them and others.As a psychotherapist, I have seen this for years with disturbing frequency. Fathers pump children to find out where the child support money is going. Mothers bombard children with questions about their ex-husband's new girlfriends. Perhaps even more disturbing, parents show remarkable perseverance in keeping the past alive, and the "visitation handoffs" are dreaded by children because their natural parents cannot let grievances die. Marquandt gives examples of children who feel responsible for their parents' pain and end up becoming the emotional caregivers. Divorce in effect robs a child of childhood.There is a clinical term for this, hypervigilance, the super-awareness characteristic of rape and trauma victims. Like the victim of sexual abuse, the divorce victim must learn quickly what cues set off troubles, how to avoid dangerous situations, and saddest of all, that no adult can really be counted upon to last for the count. As the statistical and anecdotal evidence shows, this traumatized state is a lifelong condition. When the divorce victim walks down the aisle on her marriage day, for example, she wonders "Will my marriage go the way of mom's and dad's?"Marquandt rails against the spate of children's books that encourage the young reader to look upon split custody as a gift, an opportunity, a learning experience. She finds this kind of literature the cruelest form of child deception. I tend to see such works as necessary evils. She also looks at ancillary statistics; new studies now indicate that at most about 30% of divorces are necessary in the sense that there is violence or a dangerous environment for the children. Nearly 70% of divorces are, to borrow from medical terminology, "elective;" situations in which adults chose to pursue their own personal satisfaction at the cost of their offspring's childhood. One wishes there was a kinder way to put it, but maybe it is time to call a spade a spade.One remaining question for mental health practitioners: is this a book to recommend to patients? Certainly this book is required reading for those anticipating marriage. I might consider recommending this work to adult victims of divorce, all things being equal, such as ego strength, etc. As to those who elected divorce, I doubt they would be very open to the effort of reading. And those who did would more likely than not find excuses as to why their divorces were "medical necessities." We seem to be very competent when it comes to post mortems.

Since the 1960s, the Western world has embarked upon a novel and large scale social experiment: the demolition of marriage and the elevation of divorce. Never before in the West have so many marriages ended in divorce, and so many children been forced to endure the horrors of parental separation.This seismic shift in marriage is as new as it is far-reaching. And because it is so recent, it has only been in the past few years that an entire generation of kids who have lived through divorce have grown up and are able to give their version of events.And that story is uniformly damning: divorce hurts children, and it hurts them deeply and in a myriad of ways. And that hurt continues throughout adult life. Another clear message coming from the these children is that there is no such thing as a "good divorce".Sure, in some cases divorce is the only option. But in the overwhelming majority of cases, divorce need not have been the option, and children of divorce desperately wished it did not happen. In truth, children of divorce "typically experience painful loses, moral confusion, spiritual suffering, strained or broken relationships, and higher rates of all kinds of social problems". Their world, in other words, is turned upside-down.Marquardt argues that while divorce is a way for adults to cope with their problems, it is not in the best interests of the child in most cases. Allowing for certain obvious exceptions, most difficult marriages can be remedied if the parents are willing to work at it. Indeed, most marriages that end in divorce - two-thirds of them - are low-conflict. Children do not benefit from parental divorce. Indeed, "the best possible outcome for children is to live in one home with their mother and father".And Marquardt has double reason to make these claims. One, she is herself the child of a divorce. And two, she has based her conclusions on a pioneering study of 1,500 young adults from both intact and divorced families. The study, conducted by her and sociologist Norval Glenn, have simply verified what most people know by common sense: divorce has numerous negative consequences for children, and many of those consequences stay with them for the rest of their lives.This book examines in detail these findings. The actual facts and figures are there, but so too are numerous personal testimonies of those involved in the study. They put a human face on to the statistical data. And the face seen is a sad one indeed. Divorce impacts children profoundly, and the stories told here are tragic and moving.The three year study made many disturbing discoveries. Meaty chapters explore the various negative outcomes for children of divorce. Consider just one area: the divided self of the child of divorce. The child is ripped out of a cohesive and unified environment (even where conflict takes place) and "suddenly inherits two distinct worlds in which to grow up".Says Marquardt, every marriage experiences conflict, but there is an underlying cohesion and solidarity to the marriage which is radically destroyed by divorce. In marriage two individuals "become one flesh," but in divorce the parents are separated and become two people again. And the child - quite unprepared - is forced to deal with this new reality.Adds Marquardt, "after a divorce the task that once belonged to the parents - to make sense of their different worlds - becomes the child's. The grown-ups can no longer manage the challenge, so the child is asked to try." But that is an adult responsibility which young children just cannot carry, a burden they cannot - and should not - bear.As a result, children of divorce are much more likely than children of intact families to experience "confusion, isolation, and suffering". They are forced to become little adults. Their childhood is ripped away from them, and they are forced to grow up way too soon.In an intact family, the children are the centre, the nucleus, and the parents work to protect them and nurture them. But after divorce, the two parents themselves become the centre, and children are left to fend for themselves.In effect, adults start acting like children while the child is forced to act like an adult. That is an intolerable weight for any child to have to carry. And on it goes for the child of divorce. One painful chapter after another highlights the tremendous pressures and strains foisted upon the child of divorce, and the long-term wounds they cause.Marquardt makes it clear that not every divorce is bad, and that she is not trying to argue that divorced parents are bad people. But she does insist that divorce is primarily about adults and their needs, and almost never about children and their needs. Very few have asked how divorce impacts the children involved.This book makes it quite clear that children are overwhelmingly losers in divorce. There is very little good at all that children receive from parental divorce. The radical restructuring of a child's world after divorce should be our main consideration. But in most cases it is not.Our world has been transformed from being a marriage-culture to a divorce-culture. Perhaps it is time that we became a child-friendly-culture. As Marquardt says, "we need to make sweeping changes to our thinking about marriage". And this book is a great place to begin with such a rethink.

Amazing book too much to learn from authors perspective...id say everyone should read to understand dynamics from household who have experiences divorce

This was an enlightening read and credible view point from people who have had divorice imposed upon then. The reality is that divorice affects victims for life. No wonder Had says He hates divorce.

Must read for anyone planning on a divorce.