Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

Eye-opener! After 4 years as widow partnered to widower in his wife's isolated dream retirement years home, I discovered from family hints over the years that with both alcoholic parents (he only agrees that father was, all others claim Both were) was the real explanation for volcanic behavior of an otherwise caring, generous, simpatico partner I was ready to leave many times over. This book has been manna for me. Although my childhood home was not one with alcohol, my father was a rage-aholic primarily towards me, his WWII bomber issues I think. Culmination at 19 when he threw me down flight of stairs, and I transferred to a far college. I later experienced 35 wonderful verbal-abuse-free years in a wonderful marriage, Now, rigid control, issues over each others' old habits meshed us two, and I, always one to lurch forward, found my personality being shaped---or misshaped. Things will be calm on surface, then suddenly, KABOOM!" with his scathing sarcasm, withdrawal, days of desertion (I'm okay with that for my many solitary interests), and ceaseless baiting. (We share a deep religious bond tho not married for reasons of estate/funds, so I always try--not always succeed-- at stepping back to speak to the Supreme before speaking to the partner.) So life goes on in the tundra, with sunshine today, and re-read of the book passages: how can I, late the hummingbird to my late husband's ox--his take--be 110% lovingly predictable to an OCD CoaA. Thank God for his sis-in-law naming this for her husband who got help from meetings for same issues. That would be a warm winter day this close to Canada for my man--talking about it1

After 25 years of marriage, I did not understand what I perceived as changes in my husbands behavior. Up until that point he was a very dependable, reliable father and husband. He began acting out with sporadic unexpected behavior. He announced, "I feel like I have been taking care of everyone else's needs in life, but my own ". He and I seemed to be drifting apart. Sometimes we were close, other times he would push me away. He seemed to be moving towards a more selfish life, one that did not include me or our children. The behavior forced me into therapy, by myself--he would not attend--just to figure out how to deal with it. My counselor suggested this book. My husband is an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA), and could be the poster child for this book. We were too busy rearing our own children to ever really effectively discuss his life growing up as the oldest son of an alcoholic father. Reading this book erased my ignorance about ACOAs. I became more empathic to my husbands past and came to understand why he was acting out. His negative behavior accelerated when he turned the same age his alcoholic father died. I learned a lot from reading this book, and was able to approach my husband with patience and empathy. This book points out the negative sides of ACOAs, but offers a positive approach and solutions for those of us who are involved in a relationship with ACOAs. My husband was open to discussing aspects of this book, and could see himself in many of the examples noted. The book really helped our communication. I thanks the Beys for taking the time to write this book, and highly suggest it for those who want to continue a loving relationship with an ACOA.

I’m disappointed in this book. I really was looking forward to learning more about those I love that grew up in alcoholic homes. It really didn’t go much into those things other then to relive kind of generic issues, it talked about people that blamed things in alcoholic parents but really had other mental issues! I didn’t want to hear about the people with other mental health issues, I wanted to learn specifically about how having alcoholic parents impacts someone for life. So far I haven’t seen that.

I read this book about two times already and it really gives you insight and understanding about being an adult child of an alcoholic. Worth a read if this is something you are or have gone through.

As both an ACoA myself and being married to an ACoA, I bought this book hoping it would give me insight into both my wife and I. I am an avid reader who can typically finish a book within a day or two. However, I've been reading this book for 4 days now and am not even 1/4 of the way done. I just cannot get into it and finally deleted it from my Kindle as I now lack the desire to finish it.I feel the idea and intent are great, but it just doesn't accomplish what it's hoping to. It's poorly organized and written. They change topics mid paragraph with no warning whatsoever, leaving you confused and having to backtrack thinking you missed something. Points are also often needlessly repeated. For example, they created a chapter about something they had already thoroughly covered earlier in the book.I also felt as if some of the stories were made up. Some of the things they claim people said to one another just do not sound realistic at all. I also don't buy into some of the claims they make in the Using Humor section. If an ACoA is in a fit of rage over something stemming from her father leaving her sitting at the bar drinking a Pepsi while he got drunk and her spouses response to her rage is basically to chill out and have a pepsi I'll be there in a minute, it is more than highly unlikely the ACoA is going to find humor in that. It would more realistically further enrage them.I appreciate the authors time, effort and intent, but I just honestly don't feel as if this is the most helpful book available. Personally, they didn't cover anything that I hadn't already read in Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz, and that was a much better read and well worth the money!

I found this book very helpful and enlightening. I loved all the examples because they made the information come to life.I have not given it 5 stars because I did not like the religious part of it, and because I think it fails to deal with how to help adult children whose alcoholic parent is still causing trauma in the present, and instead only focuses on helping ACOAs overcome past trauma.

This book is life-changing. How to understand fellow AcoA in intimate relationship. How to understand ourselves.

Great condition thank you 👍

the book is ok

The book does offer a very valuable insight into the experience of an ACOA and the dynamics of having a relationship with one. If you are principally happy with your relationship, but suffer difficult moments, then I'd recommend the book wholeheartedly.If the dynamic is more complex, then I think the book should come with a clear HEALTH WARNING. It is fundamentally and dangerously flawed:1) it offers no balance on your needs or difficulties, so you risk being consumed, obliterated and framed as the one with all the labour to do;2) it doesn't consider that a person willing to endure a difficult relationship may themselves come from an abusive relationship, perhaps more invisible, and so risk codependency. Indeed the book in practice encourages uncritical codependency;3) most worryingly, in its gung ho advocacy of supporting the ACOA, it doesn't encourage you to reflect on and assess the merits of the relationship. It makes one throw away remark that if your boundaries are crossed, you should leave the relationship. Hardly useful, since of course boundaries get crossed in worthwhile relationships; and moreso, it's the capacity to identify that your boundaries have been crossed that many fail to have. The book can easily seduce you into staying in an abusive relationship.It puts the labour on the partner; does nothing to protect them; encourages codependency; and risks supporting abuse. I learnt a lot from the book and it helped me make sense of so much, I'm just relieved I'd got out before reading this. If appropriate, I would encourage readers to read it alongside 'The Emotionally Abusive Relationship' by Beverly Engels.