Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)

So, you think children don't come with a manual, eh? Well here it is! Pass on Dobson and all the others. This is the only guide parents will need! I get it as my gift to bring for every baby shower that I go to, and for most new parents, and have been doing so for decades. This information never goes out of style. Cline & Fay teach parents to safely step back, stop hovering, and to let the child do the thinking. And to let the natural consequences of their actions (or inactions) do the teaching. And it works! Gone are the power struggles when the child gets to make so many choices... and has to live with their choices. I will never forget the time my son ran out of clean pants on a school day. I looked in the laundry basket, and there were no pants in it to be laundered (apparently they were all in his room, on the floor). "What will you do?" I put this information into action! My kids were concerned that they would oversleep, so they went to bed at a reasonable hour and set their own alarm clocks. They were worried that they wouldn't be ready when the bus arrived - or that they wouldn't be outside in time to catch the school bus. They were the ones who had to stop and think whether they were forgetting to take anything that was needed - and whether to wear a jacket or raincoat. They were concerned about their own good grades and homework, and they brushed their teeth like the dickens so they wouldn't get cavities. And nobody wanted B.O., so they cheerfully bathed daily!! We didn't argue or fight, and there was almost never a need for punishment of any kind again after putting these principles in play - and letting the kids know. When my oldest son began high school, his English teacher told us that all students were given the assignment to write about how they would parent their own children differently, or not, and to support their reasons. My son was the ONLY student to say that he would parent his own children the same way he had been raised, "with Love & Logic," and he made a great case for it. He saw how his friends' parents treated them, and he preferred the respect he got at home. When kids are little, the consequences of their actions may be that they are cold because they didn't want to wear a coat, or that they are hungry because they couldn't be bothered to come to dinner when called (we called everyone to the dinner table exactly once, then proceeded to eat with or without them), or they are sleepy all day if they stayed up too late the night before. But the little guys need a TON of practice in making these types of decisions so that they understand that every choice has a consequence, and so they get better at making good choices, over time. Because, the older they get, the more dire the consequences become. They had better be able to make a great evaluation by the time the choices involve drinking, drugs, driving, sex, etc. because YOU won't be there to make good choices for them. To this very day, both of my kids are responsible, self-reliant, and polite people. And we all had such a good time raising them!

There are too many bad parenting books on the market. It seems everyone is an expert on raising children. But for those within the daily blessing of raising children, often these never-ending resources offer little assistance. As parents of an eight year old girl and a six year old boy, my wife and I are always looking for good parenting resources. Though, much on the market today is trite and faddist. A book that has gone through a few editions is typically more valuable than a recently published text. It has stood the test of time. Parenting with Love and Logic is helpful. Sometimes parenting books have endless resources for improvement, but can be difficult to execute. This book is clearly expressed and is easily executed. The book offers accessible skills that work in daily life. Love and Logic is written in two parts. The first part deals with the foundation for the style of parenting. The second part is a “how to” manual for various situations that a parent might face. The second part also gives advice on what to do concerning bedtime issues, homework problems, and even about pet care. In fact, there are 48 different topics of relevance. The book begins by describing present day parenting dilemmas. Parents are not having fun, and in fact are stressed out terribly in their role. The authors note two major ineffective parenting styles, which are the helicopter style and the drill-sergeant style. Instead of these approaches, the authors advocate the consultant style. This is defined as “they ask their children questions and offer choices. Instead of telling their children what to do, they put the burden of decision making on their kids’ shoulders. They establish options within limits.” Essentially, parents allow the children to fail in order to succeed. Throughout the book, it is packed full of wisdom and advice. There are so many helpful sections. One section addresses the difference between praise and encouragement. Often a parent will praise a child for a good job, when actually the child did terrible. Instead, the parent should encourage the child to continue to strive for something better. Instead of creating a false sense of self-esteem, the authors note that self-esteem comes from accomplishment. This means that children will make mistakes and the adult should not bail them out. The natural consequence must remain. It is better for children to make mistakes during the safety of childhood rather than during the high stakes time of the teen age years. There is a great chapter on choices and relinquishing control so that the children learn to handle control. This means not making idle treats, or even threatening punishment, that cannot be enforced. You are mostly allowing the natural course to provide the lesson to the child. Of all the parenting books that I have read, this one is definitely in the top three. It is easy to execute, and the foundations of the method are strong. If you are like me, trying to do this parenting thing well, this is a valuable resource.

As a child and family therapist, families come to me wanting to know why their kids meet the diagnostic criteria for Oppositional Defiant Disorder and how to "control" them. Parenting with Love and Logic helps parents to see that it is never about controlling or manipulating our kids and that we really cannot control anyone but ourselves. The book and the class provide parents with a different way of communicating with children that can bring about a change in the child's and the parent's negative, angry, and disruptive behaviors. It shows that if a parent approaches their role as a consultant to their child instead of micro-managing the child's every move (which worked when the child was an infant but needs to be gradually phased out as the child develops more and more independence from the parent), the child will feel more respected and competant and will not engage in a power struggle which often escalates into temper tantrums and very defiant behavior. Children need both limits and love and this book describes hands-on ways to provide both. This book has not only helped me as a therapist to help the families and children I treat, but it has also helped me as a parent myself. My husband and I began implementing the principles and techniques when our son was three. The use of choices and enforceable statements, along with the "uh-oh" song, made a significant difference in his behavior. He is now five years old and loves to think for himself. My husband and I obviously provide lots of supervision and are always available to him emotionally. The "uh-oh" song, besides providing a "time-out" consequence for our son has also had the incredible additional benefit of giving our son a technique to calm himself down from a tantrum. He will put himself in "bedroom recovery time" when he melts down! This blew my mind so I also taught him mindfulness meditation so that he could have "bedroom recovery time" anywhere, any time! It is really gratifying and enjoyable to be around a child who contributes so much to our family and our home, but yet has his own opinions and outlook on life and has his own interests that he can pursue on his own like reading, drawing, and playing with toys when his mom and dad need to get other chores done. He is genuinely fun to be around, at home and on vacation, and his teachers love having him in the classroom. I myself was raised in a highly dysfunctional and verbally abusive home. Even with our education, my husband and I still resorted to yelling and spanking. Parenting with Love and Logic provided us with much healthier alternatives. The whole idea of providing empathy but holding children accountable for their bad decisions helped me to not yell and get upset with my child. The only danger in following the advice of this book is that if a parent is personality-disordered or for some reason lacks empathy, these techniques will come off to the child as controlling, manipulative, and possible sadistic. The book, however, addresses this issue. As parents, we should always look at where we are at emotionally ourselves and if we need counseling in order to heal from our own hurts, we should avail ourselves of it so that we do not take it out on our kids. Also, I agree with the dog lovers. Never let a dog be neglected. I wouldn't even lay that kind of trip on a kid. If parents want a dog then the parents can get a dog, train the dog, feed the dog, etc. Don't get a dog expecting kids to take care of it.

I gave this book 4 stars because a 3.5 wasn't an option and anything higher would mean I agreed with everything I read. As with most "self-help" books, you have to read with an open mind and take the good and trash the bad. This book in my opinion had a lot of both. I agreed with a lot of the opinions, lessons, and I learned many new ideas and ways to be a better parent. I decided to read it because I am a mom of 4 very bratty, entitled, and mouthy boys aging from 4-16. At the beginning of the book I was researching boot camps. Seriously. Now that I have read the book I can say I feel as though I have hope, a new outlook on parenting and know that I can do better at parenting, but I cannot say that I am a "Love & Logic Parent". Simply because there are things in this book I absolutely don't agree with. I understand the idea of giving your children more choices and can see the L&L reasoning behind said choices. But, as it also says in this book "if children were meant to run the home, they would have been born larger". Sometimes the point is children DON'T get a choice. To say that I should allow my children to throw tantrums and blatantly disrespect me "as long as they choose to do it in another room" is NOT ok with me. The other opposing fact that I'd like to mention is the book repeatedly mentions that by allowing our children to make their own choices will set them up to make the right choices when they are older. But the problem with that again is, sometimes there are no choices. When you're at a job and your boss tells you to do something, you don't get to respond by saying "alright, so what's my other choice"? You can't go into work in your pajamas because you simply made the choice not to get dressed that day. Simply put, yes, we as parents need to give our kids choices more often, choices that we could accept in either form, but there's other times that we get to use our God given right and TELL our kids what to do, when to do it and how to do it and their ONLY option is to do just that. So in ending, I can agree with this book as it is generalized and will use many of the skills I have learned to become a better parent to raising my young, but I don't think that I will be able to ever call myself a legit "Love & Logic Parent". Overall, the book is worth the read.

My aunt who is a retired teacher recommended this book to help us deal with our 5 year old daughter. My daughter is a very gifted child, but emotionally immature, and had constant tantrums. After reading some of the reviews, I was apprehensive about buying this book, but decided I had to try something different. This book has been wonderful. I don't understand if you use the book correctly how it is dangerous...people take things completely out of context. The book is about teaching your children to make good choices; obviously the choices have to be one's that your child is able to make. For my daughter when she had a tantrum I would say something like...oh ow...looks like someone is cranky, you can be cranky in your bedroom or you can be happy out here. If she continued her tantrum I say, would you like to walk to your room yourself, or would you like me to carry you. I always had to carry her kicking and screaming...anyway at first she would throw huge fits in her room opening and slamming the door, screaming at us. We just ignored it, after awhile the time she spent in her room got shorter and shorter, and much calmer. Now she almost never has tantrums, if she gets cranky I say oh ow, and sometimes she will just go sit in her room for a minute, collect herself and then come back out. The thing with this program is I never argue, I stay in a calm happy mood and she gets no reaction out of me, it is wonderful. Another example was wearing a jacket. My daughter would throw fits when she had to put on a coat, it was awful. One evening after dinner my husband was taking the kids for a walk, it was about 40 degrees she had on a dress with no tights, I began to tell her she needed a coat and socks to go, and she started her usual tantrum, and I decided to follow the book and let her not wear either. I told my husband to go around the block first, when they got to our house she ran in shivering, put on her coat, a hat, scarf and mittens by herself, and has worn them everyday since, without any problems. I know that some parents think this is outrageous letting my daughter be cold, I purposely did this before it is bitter cold, obviously you don't let your child go out in below 0 weather and let them get frost bite, the authors probably assume that people will use their brains. I did notice the newer versions do have a lot of disclaimers on what not to do...they must have read the reviews:).

Amazing read, love the updated information it provides.

This book is a parenting game-changer. Certainly not every parenting method will work with every child or temperament. I can say, though, that I was a very strong willed child myself, and if my parents had used these methods, our house would have been much more peaceful, relationships improved, and I probably wouldn't have made some of the poor choices as an older teen that I did. I have personally seen these principles used with great success in children of friends and family members. I personally haven't had a chance to use this with my son, as he is still a baby, but I'm trying to be prepared! I feel like many of the negative reviews didn't thoroughly read the parts they are concerned with, or misconstrued the examples. The authors lay out general parenting principles, and then offer examples of how to implement these principles. These are EXAMPLES, people! You can certainly implement them in different manners than the authors suggest, based on your own child and what you feel is right as a parent. The authors state that the parent should only offer two choices that the parent is comfortable with. If you aren't comfortable with a certain choice (such as giving away a pet), then don't make that one of the choices you are offering, duh! The pet example seems to have many people up-in-arms, yet in this example, the parent did NOT permanently give away the pet as people state, they temporarily gave the dog to a family friend, telling the child they had 3 days to decide if the pet could come back home. Also, they did not starve the pet as everyone seems to think, they did let the child know they were abusing the pet by not feeding it. It certainly doesn't say the parent didn't or shouldn't feed the pet (without telling the child). No one is that heartless, and it doesn't serve a purpose. Also, the authors frequently list out precautions with their advice, since some individuals may misuse these techniques (as can happen with any parenting technique). They also have a section where they discuss how certain principles have been misconstructed, misprepresented and taken out of context. I feel like those who were concerned simply didn't read those additional words of wisdom. An example is that the authors discuss how the "uh oh" song is for when a child is misbehaving for the sake of misbehaving -- NOT because of a NEED. They emphasize that a need (vs a want) must be met, and I think some parents were too quick to use the "uh oh" song rather than meeting a need of the child. Also, I saw not even the slightest hint of any "attachment theory" in this book -- I hadn't even heard of this until I read some of the reviews. Now that I know what they were referring to, I can tell you there is none of this in the book. Another amazing book that I highly recommend is "Loving Our Kids on Purpose" by Danny Silk. It is quite compatible with the Love and Logic principles, but emphasizes the importance of building a relationship with our children.

I actually purchased this book from Amazon about 6 years ago. 6. So why review it now? Because I'm still using it (this very week even!), it's that awesome and useful to have around! I remember when my husband and I were taking our adoption certification classes in preparation for our son, and we were asked by show of hands who were spankers and who were non-spankers, my husband and I were the only parents in the room to raise our hands as the non-spankers (we were already the proud parents of a beautiful girl at that point). Several people turned to me and said, "but how do you raise a well behaved kid without spanking?" For us, that answer has been Love and Logic for many years now. Like many things, I first checked it out from the library if I recall, and then decided I wanted a copy for myself. I will never claim that it always works perfectly, but I attribute that entirely to faults of mine, because sometimes I get sloppy with my technique. And I am very glad for those occasions to have this book to look back over, because when I am doing it properly, things go a lot smoother. I personally think children flourish best with boundaries and consequences that make sense, at least that has been the experience we have in our household, and you can't get any more fair then natural consequences. I would like to say, having now a younger child with significant disabilities, not all of these techniques are useful with a kiddo who has those struggles, at least not where he's at developmentally right now, but our little man still benefits and grows from the use of natural consequences, and modifying these techniques to be at where he is developmentally rather then age wise, and that does fit in well with the therapeutic approaches we are using for our little man. I was talking about this book once with someone from church a few years ago, and she commented about how this approach can take more work from the parent because it requires more thought and a change of habits often times. I think this is true, but for us, it has been worth the extra time because for our daughter, she's not just learning the "don't" she's learning the "why" when we use this method, which I think has strong benefits that outweigh the effort to be more nuanced in my parenting.

I found the book a real eye opener for me. The less my daughter does and the more she fights, the more I tell and demand. I'm taking away the consequences by taking ownership if her actions as well. I'm looking forward to giving her back the control and lessening my stress level and hers as well. I'd recommend this book to anyone with children. It seems simple and effective. I have a few friends that have taken the course and have had great success with the principles and practices. I watch them interact with their children in awe. I'm very exited to develop the love and logic relationship with my daughter. I believe this will help her to grow into the adult I believe age can be. Thank you.

Muy buen libro, buenos tips y fácil de leer.

Very valuable knowledge for parents. You will save yourself a lot of energy and tantrums reading this. My oldest is 38 and was raised with these simple empathetic methods.

Ich habe dieses Buch für meine Diplomarbeit gekauft und nutze es in der Erziehung unserer Kinder. Es ist sehr praxisnah geschrieben und enthält viele Tips, die schnell umzusetzen sind. Vor allem geht es darum, Kindern Verantwortung beizubringen, indem man ihnen Konsequenzen ihres Handelns zumutet, sowie um eine wertschätzende Kommunikation. Wichtig:Alte Rezensionen beziehen sich auf die erste Auflage, in der körperliche Bestrafung vorkommt. In dieser Ausführung wird erläutert, warum man nicht körperlich bestrafen sollte. Das rechne ich den (übrigens christlichen)Autoren hoch an.

The book is concise, incisive and written with love. A must read for all thinking parents. Love tempered by logic wins the day, any day.