Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction

This book is very needed, and very sad. It shows a world few of us will ever understand. It is a revolting world filled with atrocities with victims on all sides. It shows the horror of sex addiction in all its forms. It shows the sad side of the addict, and the reason it is so very hard to get better, to stop acting out. It shows a way to get better, and hope for the future.It shows us that most sex addicts hate themselves. They hate what they do. They can’t believe how much their mind craves it, and how they can sit in almost a "trance state" for hours viewing it or pursuing it. Every time they act out – they resolve 'never to do it again.'"Addiction has been described as 'the athlete's foot of the mind.' It never goes away. It is always asking to be scratched, promising relief. To scratch, however, is to cause pain and intensify the itch.""The addict’s lifestyle becomes a consistent violation of his or her own values, compounding the shame.”The book points out that all sex addicts live a double life: “Addicts progressively go through stages in which they retreat further from the reality of friends, family, and work. Their secret lives become more real than their public lives.""The addict is certain that if anyone found out about his secret life of addictive experiences, there would be no forgiveness. Only Judgment. To complicate matters he has placed himself in so many precarious situations that he lives in constant fear of discovery of his being so untrustworthy. The suspicion and paranoia heighten the sense of alienation.""The unmanageability from the addiction has run its course when there is no longer a double life. When there are no longer friends or family to protect or a job to hold or pretenses to be made - even though some things are valued enough to want to stop - the addiction is at its most destructive and violent point. The addict’s world has become totally insulated from real life."But that's not enough to make them change. "In all addiction, painful realization does not stop compulsive behavior.""They make a commitment to stop by a certain time...yet the time comes and goes....they sit and continue.""Totally absorbed, the addict loses all contact with reality, save for the focus of the addiction." “Addiction is a relationship – a pathological relationship in which sexual obsession replaces people.”The book is not all doom and gloom. But it has to express that side so that the addicts feel that the author REALLY understands them. It's not judgmental or superficial - it's understanding. It allows the addict to take the first step toward recovery - stepping out of the shadows.This book is not perfect – it is not for everyone. I don’t agree with all of the author’s assumptions or beliefs. But this book explains so many things that need to be said and realized that I recommend it for anyone who is suffering themselves or fears that those around them may be suffering from this addiction. It shows that there is hope, there is recovery, there is life beyond the addiction.

I'm not known for reading books. But this kept my interest with stories of peaple with my same issues. Helped me alot.

I rarely write reviews, but this one has affected me so much that I felt compelled to write one. This book is full of profound truths about sexual addictions. For me, these are relatively mild compared to others - early exposure to pornography and thoughts about sex so frequent as to disrupt my normal life and cause conflict in relationships. I mention this because I was initially hesitant to buy the book, not thinking of my problems as falling into the category of a sex addiction. I was wrong. There's a full spectrum of sexual addictions from mild to severe to the outright criminal and tragic. They share many causes, symptoms, and treatments, and this book helped me understand sexual addiction and my own situation like no other so far. I still have 15% of the book remaining, but I have little doubt that it will forever change my life by inducing several paradigm shifts and changes in my underlying beliefs about men, women, sex, childhood abuse, etc. Highly highly recommend!

Prior to reading any of Carnes' books, it is absolutely imperative that wives read the book "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Dr. Barbara Steffens, who, UNlike Carnes, actually DID the SCIENTIFIC research proving that betrayed wives are TRAUMA victims (Complex Betrayal Trauma/C-PTSD) of this addictive system inflicted upon her at no fault of her own, and are NOT coaddicts-codependents as Carnes teaches (and nor are they Intimacy Anorexics or Reactive Intimacy Anorexics as author Doug Weiss purports). Carnes DID do scientific research on sex addicts and that is why he has a strong understanding of sex addiction. But he has ZERO understanding of traumatized, betrayed wives and thus it is imperative that all that he writes in any his books about the wife needs to be completely ignored - believing what he (himself a recovering sex addict) wrote about wives only brings even more severe harm and trauma to the already abused wife - yes, sex addiction in married men IS that of domestic violence toward both their wives and their children. Always remember that sex addiction is PRIMARILY that of a "drug" addiction - addicted to generating one's own sex neurochemistry.

I would recommend this book to couples and specifically to the spouse of the SA. Gaining insight to Core Beliefs was a missing part of my understanding of SA and of myself as a Co-addict. This book addressed my own core beliefs in which I had not explored. I now have a fresh knowledge that will help heal the hurts of my soul.

It’s good for people who are struggling with sexual trauma and addiction

This is a great book to understand the madness of addiction.

I work as a Clinical Hypnotherapist and sometimes I deal with clients with addictions. This books has been quite revealing of much literature around the topic. Very helpful, concise, with real stories and productive comments that really shed the light on addictions. I find myself quoting from this text book over and over, and I think it should be on your shelf if you are dealing with addiction, or a loved one does. My colleagues and I often talk about the concepts contained here and we are so thankful for the years of research that mr Carnes has carried on.

This is pretty much recognised as the standard text about sex addiction. It is hugely informative, but brace yourself, it is a grim read. I work with this client group and have regretted recommending it to a client struggling with sex addiction - it describes the addiction but is not a book which focuses on recovery so it can exacerbate feelings of hopelessness for someone who already feels overwhelmed. But for a comprehensive and general review of sex addiction it is very useful. For people in the grip of the addiction, Facing the Shadow, by the same author, is more relevant and hopeful.

Not an easy read. Be prepared to change your longstanding assumptions about some of the most painful dysfunctional behaviours we see in our society.

Great

Excellent book in understanding sexual addiction It gets into the mind set of sexual addiction. It addresses the family codependecy and intergenerational dynamics It differentiates the different levels of addiction and public perception which may be unhealthy